I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
