I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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