When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
