I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize