she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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