1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
