she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
