shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
