I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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