had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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