Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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