You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
