my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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