I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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