How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
