I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
