May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
