She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
