Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize