and you said cock pushups were impossible
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Randomize
