Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
