I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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