It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
