Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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