Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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