We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
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