Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
