My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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