I didn't shave. On purpose
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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