I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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