it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
what day is it and did you see me today?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
