WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
