I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
