I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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