No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
