I'm going to jail i love you
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
