Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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