You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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