I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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