mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
