Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
the liver wants what the liver wants
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
