The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
