Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I still have a little drunk in my system
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
