i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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