i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
