there's paper in my vomit.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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