Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
