u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
