Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
