We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
