You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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