You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
