i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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