Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
