Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Sober January is a disaster.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
