my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
