i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
