This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
