The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
