So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Randomize
