Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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