Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize