Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
